Unfeeling
by RedShepard
Summary: A little piece on Maggie's thoughts taken after Sydney's declaration in S5E09.


_**Unfeeling**_

Perhaps it is better to be unfeeling after all.

Because for the past week underneath treating patients, performing surgeries and helping Alex, was this constant series of "S _ydney Sydney Sydney Sydney_ _Sydney Sydney Sydney Sydney_ " in her head. And to make things worst, when she could finally sit back and take a break, the runs of 'Sydney's' would return ot the forefront and her heart would palpitate in a way she wasn't quite familiar with. Sometimes she gets prolonged tachycardia, sometimes she struggles to breathe and most of the time she couldn't even sleep and when she could, Sydney Katz became a constant visitor in her dreams.

It wasn't just the kiss really, that sent her into a mental turmoil. It was her entire presence. When she suddenly just popped into her life again, and seeing her back and hearing her voice for the first time in what seemed like forever...she knew that, that Schrodinger's Katz pandemonium inside of her was back. That urging feeling of uncertainty, hope and pain. So she looked away, tried to compose herself until Sydney turns to look at her with a growing smile. She smiles back, and as difficult as it was at first, it grew sincere. Because oh, wow, she was beautiful and it was so so good to see her again. But as fast as that was, the flicker of despondency returned and she didn't know exactly what to do with it. Sydney was supposed to be gone, forever, out of her life.

Dr Katz wasn't one to keep in touch after all.

Surgery on Becca was something. She couldn't remember how long it had been since she's felt like a complete mess, a resident once again, where she had to constrain herself from shaking and her sympathetic nervous system was in a complete flight mode with nerves vining up every bit of her system. But, she's grown, she knows she has because that mentality of grabbing whatever she wanted whenever she wanted has abated, and this virtue of patience has gradually replaced it, well, especially when it came to a certain redhead. But above all equanimity was required, because she was Maggie Lin. Dr Maggie Lin. A doctor. A surgeon. She would not allow anything to mess this up. Because giving hope, saving lives and giving it her best to do so, is her job, her purpose.

So when Sydney exited the OR to explain to her family the result, Maggie finally exhaled a breath she had kept hold of since the beginning. Her hands shook involuntarily as she let herself go and she silently berated and questioned herself but deep in her heart she knew exactly why her hands wouldn't stop shaking.

Three years, three years of Sydney Katz wandering in the back of her mind, that propelled desperation to find someone to fill that void. Yet no one could. Even that brief kiss with Zach was so dull, like a chalkboard, yet she loved him. She loved him and she thought it could work, that it could turn into something more if they just tried. But in hindsight, who was she kidding, yeah, she loved him, she thought she was in love with him but thinking back it was a rollercoaster of desperation, platonic love and confronting inevitable death that drove her to that ludicrous conclusion.

She wasn't in love with him. Because looking at him, felt nothing like what she was feeling now. Wasn't even a speck close. N-Not that she's in love now. Love...if she had to talk about her experiences with love, it would have to be with Gavin. Because, oh Gavin, she knew he loved her, he treated her like family, he loved her and yet it wasn't enough for her, it wasn't the right love, because she couldn't feel it. Because apparently she was unfeeling. And she wished she was because the turmoil that was ripping her insides apart as Sydney Katz pops up in her head was excruciating. Like an anchor was tied to her and she couldn't reach the surface.

Drowning.

Since the bombing, she had tried to discover herself, find out who she was, find out what exactly she was so desperately searching for. She tried finding the answers in others and yet everyone left her. Sydney left her, twice.

Whose to say she won't leave the third time. When what Sydney expected of her was not what she wanted at all. When she wouldn't be enough for Dr Katz?

Maggie Lin sighs as she downs the last bit of coffee, hoping to get rid of the guilt as she shoves her vibrating phone in her coat pocket upon seeing a certain caller's ID.

She wanted this didn't she? She wanted something like Charlie and Alex's, is this what it fee- love? No, she w-wasn't-couldn't be in love. No. No. No. Then what was she feeling?

What if it was lov-, no figuring this out would have to wait.

Processing can wait.

Maggie takes her phone out of her pocket when she hears the familiar ding that announces she's being paged. Her heart clenches as she sees the missed calls and unread texts, but she ignores them.

"Patients first."

A/N: Hey, I hope you enjoyed this lil' piece. I hope it's okay. Maggie and Sydney's story is simply nonpareil and I tend to have the hardest time writing a relationship that is so well written. But I do want to do more for them, to help grow this fandom and because they're my favourite couple all time.


End file.
